The Hounds of Astraville

This could quite possibly be the most important content I have ever written. Better than any AP analysis or social post, better than all of my senior capstone case studies, and yes, even better than my first place 5th grade D.A.R.E. essay. This is an introduction to some of our most ambiguous team members, an exposé on the group behind the Account Managers, a riveting look behind the curtain. From the heart of Astra Digital Marketing, I give to you our classified profile of the office dogs.

Name: Sawyer

Age: 9 weeks

Ethnicity: Chihuahua, Dachshund, Terrier

Specialist Fields: Chief Operations Officer

Recently sprung from a local shelter by Account Manager Kimberly Kirsch, Sawyer is our newest recruit. You can imagine with Mexican, German, and English heritage, she has quite the personality, so even though she’s young, inexperienced, and pocket-sized, she already runs the show up here. Standing at a whopping 3 inches tall, Sawyer oversees all upstairs operations from her plush corporate mega bed — two beds pushed together. Her ears are so massive that I would describe them as having a spread like a buck’s rack, and if you want to see those fantastic listeners really perk up, put on some Billie Eilish. Being the dedicated COO that she is, Sawyer only leaves her post to pounce on cat toys or to harass Princess, who we’ll get to later.

Name: Pineau

Age: a lady never tells

Ethnicity: French Bulldog

Specialist Fields: Creative Director

You’ve probably seen her on Astra’s social media and wondered, who is she? Did I see her on the Saint Laurent F/W runway? Is she a Hadid sister? Pineau is a Parisian paragon, the 3rd cousin of Coco Chanel, and certainly the chicest of the Astra canines, but she’s far too busy to grace the catwalk. Because of the thick and nasally French accent, you can hear Pineau’s snorting from anywhere in the office, constantly spouting off ingenious ideas and artistic direction. If you’ve seen The Devil Wears Prada, you’ll recall Miranda Priestly’s infamous lip-purse of disgust — completely inspired by Pineau’s snort of approval. Iconic. Unfortunately, she’s in such high demand for so many international projects that we can only afford her part-time, but nonetheless, Pineau’s a priceless asset to our marketing team. Not a single color swatch passes without that sought after grunt.

Govt. Name: Snoopy

Age: Unknown

Ethnicity: Unknown

Specialist Fields: Head of Procurement

Snoops is an enigma. He moves in silence, only occasionally allowing us to see a small flicker of black in our peripheral and then he’s gone again. I’ve never been as sure of anything as I am about Snoops being a vigilante, and possibly even Batman. He just gives off this aura like he’s seen some shit, but there’s no way to know for sure. Aside from his owner, Jorge, who’s our FlyWithWine Sales Manager, he works alone or not at all. You won’t find Snoops unless he wants to be found, but he’s either in the warehouse or out doing recon in the Valley. We don’t exactly know what he’s doing out there, our forbidding Head of Procurement, but it’s good work.

Name: Princess

Age: Immortal

Ethnicity: Bichon Frisé

Specialist Fields: Royal Counselor

Princess is, how we say down south, long in the tooth. She’s the wise, blue-eyed,  respected office elder of Account Manager Tara Jordan, and as her title suggests, she exudes regality. She’s not scary, just unapproachable. Everyone is a peasant but her. However, like any true monarch, she has security concerns. I don’t know if Sawyer is too innocent to get these delicate pack power dynamics or if she just can’t control her admiration, but she’s obsessed with Princess — and Princess ain’t having it. She’s so over Sawyer that she has made a new temporary throne under Dennis’ desk. Princess is extremely quiet and poised, but when she’s not in the office, her absence is palpable. She is our Royal Counselor, the supreme consultant on all things digital, and Astra’s crown jewel.

Name: Juno

Age: 1

Ethnicity: Belgian Malinois, Rhodesian Ridgeback, and a possible hint of Rottweiler

Specialist Fields: Executive Security Director, aka the Muscle

A little over a year ago, Juno was born in a shelter after her very pregnant mama was rescued from the side of the road. Now she’s the big dawg on campus by a very large margin, although from the way she wrestles with Pineau, she clearly has no idea that her running sounds like a freight train. She looks like real-life Scooby-Doo with the boxy head and wide black grin, and if she didn’t have the matching goofy personality we could sit her outside with some sunglasses as the Astra Bouncer. Most of the time she’s at Ryan’s heels, internally screaming with excitement, but when it’s a slow day at the office she’s at a vineyard working on her fitness. We’ve never had any reason to call in the big guns, but one day a Mac truck might need to be towed or we’ll have to get rid of a fridge of cheese or there will be a supernatural rat infestation, and it’ll be Juno’s time to shine.

Our motley crew of canines seems to be growing by the week. A dog could probably show up one morning, just slip right through the door, and nobody would ask questions (looking at you, Vivian). It would just live here now and integrate into this secret level of 4-legged executives. And it’s nice having an adorable group of bottom feeders below our desks at all times, a little ecosystem of pups to give us a break from work reality. The Hounds of Astraville keep us in check, on our toes, and quite frankly, happier.